I stared at the phone in
disbelief, my heart sinking. I had decided
to call my mom to wish her a happy Easter, but was completely floored by what
she was had to say to me.
“…I’m just saying, there’s
nothing dishonorable about marriage,” she continued. “I know that you’ve always wanted to go on a
mission, and that is a wonderful, honorable goal, but Steve is a really special
guy. I just don’t want you to miss out
on this opportunity because you’re stuck on the idea of doing something you’d
always wanted to do, not because it’s really what Heavenly Father planned for
you.”
“But, Mom—I told you about the
answer I received before,” I started cautiously.
“I know. But maybe Heavenly Father just wanted you to
prepare for a mission, not to actually go on one. I’m not saying that I know what’s right for
you—only you can receive that revelation for yourself. But I am saying that you need to have an
absolute surety of what you’re doing, or when it gets hard, which it will,
you’re going to collapse if you don’t have a foundation under you. Just pray about it, sweetheart.”
My throat choked up, and I found
that I couldn’t speak.
“Oh, honey—I didn’t mean to make
you cry. I just want you to consider all
of the options so that you can really know what Heavenly Father has in store
for you. I hope you know that I love
you.” My mom sounded upset.
“It’s okay—you’re right.” I knew
that she was, even if it wasn’t something I wanted to hear at the moment.
“All right. I know you’ll do the right thing, and I trust
you to follow the Spirit.”
Hearing the compassion in her
voice made me want to cry even more.
“Thanks, Mom. I love you.”
After I had hung up, I knelt down
beside my bed and sobbed, my face in my hands.
“Heavenly Father,” I cried,
“Please, please help me to know what to do.
I know that the desires of my heart are known by Thee. I have always wanted to serve a mission, but
I truly love Steve. I am willing to give
up my mission for him if it is what Thou hast desired for me. Please, please—just help me know. I truly just want to do Thy will for me.”
I continued in this manner,
crying and praying in the solitude next to my bed until it was time to get ready
for church. I winced at the sight of my
red and puffy eyes in the mirror, but recognizing that there wasn’t anything
much I could do about it, I splashed some cold water on my face and hurriedly
applied a little mascara before running down to the Institute building just in
time to meet Steve for church.
He took one look at the
expression on my face and immediately became concerned. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing—I’m okay,” I replied,
even though the raging storm inside me told me that I was anything but okay. “I’ll tell you after church.”
Silently, he studied my face as
we filed into Sacrament Meeting.
As the sacrament was being
passed, I continued to pray to Heavenly Father, pleading with Him to give me an
answer as to what I should do. I flipped
through my scriptures, not looking for anything in particular, and began
reading a random verse on the first page I opened—Doctrine and Covenants 6,
verse 22:
“Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast
your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might
know concerning the truth of these things.”
My mind immediately flashed to the first night I had prayed about my
mission, and the peace and surety I had felt at that moment. I kept reading to the next verse:
“Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from
God?”
Tears streamed down my face as I
read those verses again and again, peace replacing the storm, once again amazed
by how straightforward and clear the answer to my prayer was.
Heavenly Father had given me an answer, and it hadn’t
changed. He still wanted me to serve a
mission. I knew for a surety what
Heavenly Father’s plan was for me, and although it might require me sacrificing
the opportunity to be with Steve (for I knew very well that 18 months was a
long time and that people could change their hearts and minds in that time),
this is what I needed to do.
I resolved at that moment to no
longer doubt, to no longer look back. My
mom had challenged me to receive a definite answer, and now I had.
I glanced over at Steve, who was
holding my hand and watching the tears stream down my face with a question in
his eyes. Are you okay? He silently mouthed.
I squeezed his hand and smiled,
radiant. Yes, I nodded. I’m fine.
And I was. The tumult had ceased, and I was at peace
once more.
I looked out of the window,
admiring the blue July sky over the Northern Arizona greenness. Trying not to think about how this was the
last time I’d see this view for a year and a half, and smoothing down the front
of my suit jacket, I turned to Steve.
“Well? How do I look?”
He cocked his head to the
side. “Like a sister missionary, I
guess.”
I knew it wasn’t exactly a
compliment and slugged him in the arm.
“I’m supposed to! I am giving my
non-farewell talk this morning, after all.”
He struggled to smile, and I felt
a jolt of pain at the idea of saying goodbye to him this afternoon. Squelching the pain down inside of me once
again (I’d been doing that a lot lately), I turned to look in the mirror.
The plainness of my jacket,
although well-fitted, wasn’t what I would have called flattering, but it was exactly
what the mission packet I had been sent had described. My hair was gently curled and rested nicely
against my lapels, and although I was nervous, I couldn’t suppress my
excitement. I was doing it. I was really going on a mission.
“Just don’t fall in love with any
of those Taiwanese men, okay?” Steve had resumed his jocular expression, and I
knew he was trying to help me rein in my emotions.
“Right. Because that’s what I’m going there to do,
and they’re going to be so dreamy, compared to you.” I rolled my eyes and walked ahead of him to
the van door, where my very large, very enthusiastic family was waiting.
Steve lifted an eyebrow at me as
my two youngest sisters, Katie and Molly, began fighting over who got to sit
next to him, and I smiled back, trying to capture every moment of watching the
man I loved interact with my family.
Eighteen months was a long
time. Who knew if he would be here when
I returned from Taiwan? And who knew if
I would still be attracted to him the way I was now? I hurriedly subdued the questions that kept
rising to the forefront of my mind and turned to face forward, my mind once
again on my talk.
After church was over, there was
a flurry of family and friends who all wanted to greet me, to shake my hand, to
hug me for one last time before I left.
I felt such an outpouring of love from all of these dear people who
supported me in my goal, and although I had an ache in the back of my heart at
the idea of being gone for such a long time with nothing but letters and the
occasional phone call to connect me to home, I tried to overpower it with the
excitement I felt at the opportunity to fulfill a lifelong dream.
As the luncheon was being served,
Steve caught me during a lull. “Jewel?”
I turned to him, and the sadness
in his eyes struck me like a blow.
“My family is needing to get on
the road in order to be home by tonight.”
I glanced behind him to see his
mom and dad, whom I had already come to love, and younger brothers, who were
grinning at me. I smiled back at them,
and then turned to Steve.
“Can we go say goodbye in private
first?” I gulped down the words, not
sure I was ready for what was coming.
He turned and said something to
his mom, who nodded, and then he took me to an empty classroom on the other
side of the cultural hall.
He had barely closed the
classroom door when I pulled him to me and kissed him with all of the ferocity
I could muster, tasting the saltiness of my tears on his lips. He hugged me tightly—so tightly that it was
almost painful. As painful as it was to
be in his powerful embrace, it still couldn’t match the pain my heart was
feeling at the idea of leaving him, possibly forever.
“I love you. So much.
Don’t ever forget that,” he whispered as he held me close.
“Thank you for supporting me in
this, for believing in me. I don’t know
what’s going to happen—I’m so scared, and…” I began to panic as the overwhelming
feelings of leaving everyone and everything I knew for a year and a half began
to wash over me, threatening to drown me.
“Hey. Hey,” He put his finger
under my chin and lifted my face so that my eyes met his. I was surprised to see tears swimming in
those clear blue eyes. “You’re going to
be an amazing missionary. This is what
Heavenly Father wants for both of us, okay?”
I nodded.
He kissed me again, gently, and
then waited while I wiped my cheeks dry and smoothed out my suit.
“You ready?” I asked, attempting to smile.
He didn’t say anything, but went
to the door and held it open for me.
We went out front, where his
family was waiting, and I went to his mom first. As she hugged me tightly, she whispered,
“Don’t worry, Doll. It’ll be just fine—we’ll
take care of him. You’ll see. Don’t you worry.”
I smiled and thanked her as I
reluctantly pulled away, and then hugged Steve’s dad, then his brothers, all of
whom I had come to adore over the past few months of knowing them.
They began to walk away towards
the car, and I turned to Steve.
“Hey.” I looked up at him. He smiled, sadly. “Don’t cry.
I want to remember you smiling.”
I obeyed to the best of my
ability, but my chin quivered in spite of myself, and I could tell that my
attempt to smile was a dismal failure.
Still, I kept the tears from splashing down on my cheeks, and I knew
that would have to be enough for now.
He pulled me closer, kissed me on
the cheek, and then, before I knew it, he was walking away from me and climbing
in his family’s car.
I stood outside in front of the
church, waving until I was sure he couldn’t see me anymore, my mother’s arm
around my waist (when had she gotten there?), and then, when he was gone for
sure, the tears came.
“Shhhh. It’s okay.” My mom held me in a hug as I felt
my heart completely and utterly break.
“How can I survive this? This is the most painful thing I’ve ever done
in my life!” I sobbed, leaning my head against her shoulder.
“It’s okay. You’re strong, and this is what you’re
supposed to do. Heavenly Father will
help you. I promise.” She stroked my hair until finally,
eventually, I calmed down.
I pulled out of her embrace and
looked away. “I don’t know how I can do
this. I didn’t know it would hurt like this.
I never even asked him to wait—he offered—but if he’s not here when I
get back….” I broke off.
She nodded, empathy filling her
eyes. “Jewel, at this point, if you
change your mind, you will regret it, and you will eventually come to resent
Steve for it. I know it’s hard, but you
know that Heavenly Father wants you in Taiwan, and He will bless you for
it. It will be worth it—someday.”
I nodded, recognizing the truth
in her words. This was what I was meant
to do. And even if it meant that Steve
wouldn’t be here when I got back, well, I would deal with that if and when the
time came. For now, at least, I knew
that I had Steve’s love to sustain me.
And that had to be enough.
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