Man. Not to brag or anything, but I kicked today's butt!! My AWESOME sister, Molly, came over, and I decided to use the extra help to do something that I haven't done in weeks--clean.
I scrubbed the bathrooms, Molly scrubbed the stove and kitchen counters. I dusted, Molly swept and mopped (and honestly, I would tell you the last time I mopped my floors, but I think it would mean a visit from CPS, so we'll just say it would be better measured in weeks than days), and by the end of the day, I was SO proud!! The house was clean, except for the boys' room (I don't count that, because even after cleaning it, it gets dirty immediately), and I even had time for haircuts!!
(anyone else FREAKED out by how old my boys look?)
During that five minutes (or less, really), Clark trashed my bedroom (the one I had just vacuumed), and Jack had an accident in the bathroom, or, to word it more accurately, Jack had an accident ALL OVER the bathroom. Steve was still in our bathroom when I made these unfortunate discoveries, and to tell the truth, I didn't handle them well. I may or may not have screamed.
Literally.
Luckily, my sense of humor kicked in a moment later, and so I was laughing (only semi-hysterically) at the irony of the whole situation as I mopped up the mess in the bathroom. Steve had heard me scream, and he quickly finished his personal business and took care of the bedroom. We ended up having a nice scripture study and prayer after all, and the kids ended up in bed, I cut Steve's hair, and now I'm decompressing in front of the computer.
Why did I have to end what was a really good day with a tantrum like that?
Tonight, while we were all playing in Maggie's bedroom, I got on the floor and started encouraging Maggie to crawl to me. She's SOOOO close to being able to crawl, but still can't figure out how to move forwards instead of backwards--she looks at me, and tries to come to me, but gets frustrated as she ends up getting further and further away from her goal.
Tonight, I could kind of understand how she felt.
My goal is to have a home where the Spirit can be felt. That's always my ultimate goal.
I know that.
I know that when my home is dirty (not just messy, but dirty), it's harder for me to feel the Spirit. Feeling calm and peaceful when you're sticking to the floor and crunching when you walk isn't exactly easy for me. But at the same time, working so hard all day long and then having a big part of it fall apart within moments ALSO makes it hard to feel the Spirit.
After the kids were in bed and I was able to laugh about tonight without being completely hysterical, I told Steve, only partially joking, "Someday, I will be able to be completely okay with the fact that everything I accomplish is completely temporary. I will be completely fine every time my children spill something on my newly scrubbed floors or finger paint their dinner all over the walls I have just scrubbed. Someday."
Finding that balance between having a clean home and not freaking out every time it becomes unclean....that's a tough tightrope to walk. Sometimes, it even feels like I'm crawling backwards--my goal just gets further and further away.
But then, I just have to remember--the goal has never moved. It hasn't changed. I'm the one who is developing my muscles and learning the difficult task of getting to that goal--and even though I might go backwards or get turned around and frustrated on occasion, the main point is that I'm not going to quit trying to learn how to get there. And that's what's important.
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